Not Looking for God
Danny Aguirre’s Story
A New Age Journey
From the age of fifteen to twenty four I became very involved in Eastern mysticism. During this era in my life I considered Jesus to be one of many avatars similar to Buddha and Krishna. I also considered Christianity as a primitive path of enlightenment for less advanced souls. Around the age of twenty two I had an experience that deeply challenged my suppositions. I was in my house in the living room when a vibrational sound entered the room. I instinctively knew that whatever this energy was, it was evil, and was attempting to enter my body.
When I looked over and saw my roommate’s dog hiding under the kitchen table, I knew that this energy/vibrational sound was not my imagination. Up to this point in my life I was the kind of person who could hang out in any big city USA at 2 a.m., without fear. At the moment of this encounter, however, I had never been so scared or felt so lacking in control in all my life, especially when I began to hear audible voices, mainly of a sinister sounding laughter.
I felt that if this force possessed me, that I would go out and kill somebody or be killed. I don’t know if that was really the case but that was my impression at the time. My response was to lay hold of the power of good which could overcome this evil, so I pulled out my copy of the Bhagavad Gita and began to read. However, it seemed that with every word I read, the evil energy grew stronger.
In a state of extreme urgency, I began to chant the name Krishna, but there was no relief. I felt I was going to lose the battle. I switched to naming Buddha, still no result and the force was growing. At this time, I was looking for anything that would work, so I said the name Jesus, invoking him as one of many of the ascended souls.
The moment I said his name, one single time, the hideous energy vanished without a trace of its presence left. I quickly reasoned the whole experience with the name of Jesus as a mere coincidence. It could have been the name of Muhammad, Buddha, Krishna, or Babaji that caused the departure of the evil presence. However, something else inside of me told me otherwise, but I did not want to deal with the implications.
A vibrational sound entered the room. I instinctively knew that . . . this energy . . . was evil, and was attempting to enter my body. . . . I began to chant the name Krishna, but there was no relief. . . . the force was growing. . . . I was looking for anything that would work, so I said the name Jesus, invoking him as one of many of the ascended souls. The moment I said his name, one single time, the hideous energy vanished.
From this point on a cloud hung over my head. I could sense this presence lurking nearby, especially anytime I entered an altered state of consciousness via meditation/yoga/hallucinogenics. In the meantime I was being challenged by Christian acquaintances to check out the claims of Christ and the Bible. I prided myself on being open minded, so I obliged them even though it was about the last thing I wanted to do. Over the next three years a deep internal conviction was growing within me that much of my life-style was wrong, and that the God of the Bible was real.
In my response to the challenge by Christians to have an open mind toward Christianity I was reading any books they gave me. A book called Evidence That Demands A Verdict by Josh McDowell made a good case for the credibility of the Bible as history. I read many conversion stories by many individuals. From Chuck Colson (exhatchet man for Nixon) to Nicky Cruz (N.Y. gang leader), to a nineteenth century lawyer, to an East Indian mystic claiming a life-changing encounter with Jesus. Could they all be lying, I asked myself? Or is there some psychological phenomenon that explains it. This was all happening to me, a person who found Christianity deeply undesirable.
I did not want a faith that restrained my sexual liberty, recreational drug use, or claimed to be the only way. I didn’t not want to face the disapproval and ridicule of my friends whom I had known since childhood. All these factors were causing me to experience an internal world war. A battle I could not talk to anyone about. I did not want to confide with Christians lest they be encouraged that I might become one of them, nor could I confide with my friends lest they get suspicious that I was considering defecting to the Christian camp.
My response to all this turmoil was to relocate from Northern California to Montana. I saw it as a chance to get away from the war I was experiencing. I would start a new life, get away from all forms of spirituality and get back down to earth. This plan succeeded for a while. I remember reflecting on how good I felt to be in Montana, with a whole bunch of new friends, working on various creative projects.
Then one day I was at a social gathering in Missoula, Montana. . . . I was with a house full of people enjoying the music . . . when I suddenly heard a voice, not audible, but somehow my whole being could hear the words: “Danny, why do you keep running from me? You know that I am Jesus, the Way the Truth and the Life, and yet you keep running away from me?”
I suddenly heard a voice, not audible, but somehow my whole being could hear the words: “Danny, why do you keep running from me?”
I placed my hands over my ears and mumbled, “I don’t want to hear that voice. No!” I got up and walked out the door to the closest liquor store to buy a case of beer. I came back to the house and proceeded to drink one beer after another, attempting to drown that voice out. To make a long story shorter, I became a Christian within the next sixty days, not without biting, kicking, and scratching each step of the way. The war being fought within me escalated to the point that I felt I was losing my mind. When I finally decided to become a Christian, I felt 10,000 pounds of weight leave me. That was twenty years ago.
Today I am more convinced than ever of the faith I hold. I have never ceased reexamining my faith. . . .
Danny Aguirre’s testimony abridged and reprinted by permission of S.C.P., Box 4308, Berkeley, Ca 94704; email: scp@dnai.com. From the SCP Newsletter 22:3 (1998) 3, 7.
